1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into
12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mother.
16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
The best of email forwards continued...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Dating hints for men
- Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
- I used to come here all the time with my ex.
- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
The best of email forwards continued....
Monday, September 7, 2009
10 Things Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Best of e-mail forwards continued....
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Best of e-mail forwards continued....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
How smart are you?
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately.
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?
Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question: If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You’re not having a good time at this! Are you?
Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Third Question: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000… Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10. What is the total?
Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer:Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one.
Bonus Question: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. He’s blind, not mute - so simple.
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE ‘SMART PEOPLE’ IN YOUR LIFE!
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?
Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question: If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You’re not having a good time at this! Are you?
Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Third Question: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000… Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10. What is the total?
Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer:Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one.
Bonus Question: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. He’s blind, not mute - so simple.
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE ‘SMART PEOPLE’ IN YOUR LIFE!
Friday, August 28, 2009
The interest
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The car accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’ Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever and evil . Don’t mess with them.
The best of email forwards continues..
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’ Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever and evil . Don’t mess with them.
The best of email forwards continues..
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Aunt Nancy
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. ”Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.
“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this story?”
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.”
The best of email forwards continues...
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. ”Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.
“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this story?”
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.”
The best of email forwards continues...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Drunk
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar! . He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar! . He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Small World
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”
The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - “Small world isn’t it!”
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”
The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - “Small world isn’t it!”
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Water and Flower
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..
and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your ass.
The best of email forwards continued.....
and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your ass.
The best of email forwards continued.....
Friday, August 21, 2009
God's Wings
God's Wings - A little something to put things in perspective...
After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park , forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.
One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.
She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast ..because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
'He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.'(Psalm 91:4)
Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it.
My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
The best of email forwards continued....
After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park , forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.
One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.
She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast ..because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
'He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.'(Psalm 91:4)
Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it.
My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
The best of email forwards continued....
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Old Lady & the pharmacist
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Kitty Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must've been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss” and before he could say “Shit,” the Rottweiler ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must've been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss” and before he could say “Shit,” the Rottweiler ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Well behaved women rarely mark history
Well behaved women rarely make history.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.'I'm going to the bar , Pretty Face,' he answered I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan.
All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the Bar... You know... They have frozen glasses...'He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of! The freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
''You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened
The oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.'But my sweet honey... At the bar.. . You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...
''You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR?ASS DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR DAMNED BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOUR SORRY MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER,
GOT IT, JACKASS?'?
And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a Sweet story?
-MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.'I'm going to the bar , Pretty Face,' he answered I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan.
All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the Bar... You know... They have frozen glasses...'He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of! The freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
''You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened
The oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.'But my sweet honey... At the bar.. . You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...
''You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR?ASS DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR DAMNED BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOUR SORRY MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER,
GOT IT, JACKASS?'?
And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a Sweet story?
-MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!
Monday, August 17, 2009
True Friendship
True Friendship -- None of that Sissy shit
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cut e little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1.... When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2.. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.... When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4.. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
5.. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining..
6.. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7.. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8.. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
9.. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend!
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4
The best of e-mail forwards continued......
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cut e little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1.... When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2.. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.... When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4.. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
5.. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining..
6.. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7.. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8.. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
9.. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend!
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4
The best of e-mail forwards continued......
A Riddle for the Day
A riddle for the day:
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
"A Last Name."
You didn't think I'd tell you a dirty joke, did you
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
"A Last Name."
You didn't think I'd tell you a dirty joke, did you
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Twenty nine lines to make you Smile
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('lacomputadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
The best of email forwards continues.....
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('lacomputadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
The best of email forwards continues.....
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Pickle Jar
The pickle jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents' bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.
As a small boy I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as they were dropped into the jar . They landed with a merry jingle when the jar was almost empty. Then the tones gradually muted to a dull thud as the jar was filled. I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar and admire the copper and silver circles that glinted like a pirate's treasure when the sun poured through the bedroom window.
When the jar was filled, Dad would sit at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the bank. Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production. Stacked neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and me on the seat of his old truck.
Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me hopefully. 'Those coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill, son. You're going to do better than me. This old mill town's not going to hold you back.'
Also, each and every time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across the counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly 'These are for my son's college fund. He'll never work at the mill all his life like me.'
We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone. I always got chocolate. Dad always got vanilla. When the clerk at the ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few coins nestled in his palm. 'When we get home, we'll start filling the jar again.' He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar. As they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we grinned at each other. 'You'll get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters,' he said. 'But you will get there. I'll see to that'
The years passed, and I finished college and took a job in another town. Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone in their bedroom, and noticed that the pickle jar was gone. It had served its purpose and had been removed.
A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser where the jar had always stood. My dad was a man of few words, and never lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and faith. The pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than the most flowery of words could have done.
When I married, I told my wife Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played in my life as a boy. In my mind, it defined, more than anything else, how much my dad had loved me. .
No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop his coins into the jar. Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans several times a week, not a single dime was taken from the jar.
To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined than ever to make a way out for me. 'When you finish college, Son,' he told me, his eyes glistening, 'You'll never have to eat beans again - unless you want to.'
The first Christmas after our daughter Jessica was born, we spent the holiday with my parents. After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild. Jessica began to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad's arms. 'She probably needs to be changed,' she said, carrying the baby into my parents' bedroom to diaper her. When Susan came back into the living room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.
She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me into the room. 'Look,' she said softly, her eyes directing me to a spot on the floor beside the dresser. To my amazement, there, as if it had never been removed, stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already covered with coins. I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my pocket, and pulled out a fistful of coins. With a gamut of emotions choking me, I dropped the coins into the jar.
I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying Jessica, had slipped quietly into the room. Our eyes locked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions I felt. Neither one of us could speak.
This truly touched my heart. I know it has yours as well. Sometimes we are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our blessings.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life, for better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for Good in others.
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they must be felt with the heart ~ Helen Keller
- Happy moments, praise God.
- Difficult moments, seek God.
- Quiet moments, worship God.
The best of e-mails continues....
As a small boy I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as they were dropped into the jar . They landed with a merry jingle when the jar was almost empty. Then the tones gradually muted to a dull thud as the jar was filled. I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar and admire the copper and silver circles that glinted like a pirate's treasure when the sun poured through the bedroom window.
When the jar was filled, Dad would sit at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the bank. Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production. Stacked neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and me on the seat of his old truck.
Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me hopefully. 'Those coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill, son. You're going to do better than me. This old mill town's not going to hold you back.'
Also, each and every time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across the counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly 'These are for my son's college fund. He'll never work at the mill all his life like me.'
We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone. I always got chocolate. Dad always got vanilla. When the clerk at the ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few coins nestled in his palm. 'When we get home, we'll start filling the jar again.' He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar. As they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we grinned at each other. 'You'll get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters,' he said. 'But you will get there. I'll see to that'
The years passed, and I finished college and took a job in another town. Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone in their bedroom, and noticed that the pickle jar was gone. It had served its purpose and had been removed.
A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser where the jar had always stood. My dad was a man of few words, and never lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and faith. The pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than the most flowery of words could have done.
When I married, I told my wife Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played in my life as a boy. In my mind, it defined, more than anything else, how much my dad had loved me. .
No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop his coins into the jar. Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans several times a week, not a single dime was taken from the jar.
To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined than ever to make a way out for me. 'When you finish college, Son,' he told me, his eyes glistening, 'You'll never have to eat beans again - unless you want to.'
The first Christmas after our daughter Jessica was born, we spent the holiday with my parents. After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild. Jessica began to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad's arms. 'She probably needs to be changed,' she said, carrying the baby into my parents' bedroom to diaper her. When Susan came back into the living room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.
She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me into the room. 'Look,' she said softly, her eyes directing me to a spot on the floor beside the dresser. To my amazement, there, as if it had never been removed, stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already covered with coins. I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my pocket, and pulled out a fistful of coins. With a gamut of emotions choking me, I dropped the coins into the jar.
I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying Jessica, had slipped quietly into the room. Our eyes locked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions I felt. Neither one of us could speak.
This truly touched my heart. I know it has yours as well. Sometimes we are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our blessings.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life, for better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for Good in others.
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they must be felt with the heart ~ Helen Keller
- Happy moments, praise God.
- Difficult moments, seek God.
- Quiet moments, worship God.
The best of e-mails continues....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Ten Tips for 2009 or anytime
Ten tips for 2009
1) Try not to get into situations you can't get yourself out of!
2) Aim a just a little higher than you think you need to
3) Stay focused on your job
4) Exercise to maintain good health
5) Practice Team work
6) Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back
7) Save for rainy days
8) Rest and relax every chance you get!
9) Always smile when your boss is around
10) Believe that with GOD, nothing is impossible
1) Try not to get into situations you can't get yourself out of!
2) Aim a just a little higher than you think you need to
3) Stay focused on your job
4) Exercise to maintain good health
5) Practice Team work
6) Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back
7) Save for rainy days
8) Rest and relax every chance you get!
9) Always smile when your boss is around
10) Believe that with GOD, nothing is impossible
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Two Choices
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!'
'You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'
He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or..you can choose to be in a bad mood
I choose to be in a good mood.'
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.
'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'
'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.
He continued, '...the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'
'What did you do?' I asked.
'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''
Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You have two choices.
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!'
'You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'
He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or..you can choose to be in a bad mood
I choose to be in a good mood.'
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.
'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'
'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.
He continued, '...the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'
'What did you do?' I asked.
'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''
Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You have two choices.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thought of the day
I am an uncompromising opponent of violent methods even to serve the noblest of causes. -Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I'll Miss You
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
The best of email forwards continues....
The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
The best of email forwards continues....
Friday, August 7, 2009
Laundry?
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?
It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
(And they say blondes are dumb..)
The best of email forwards continues....
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?
It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
(And they say blondes are dumb..)
The best of email forwards continues....
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Why's of Men
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) Damn it I want a dog brain.
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
The best of email forwards continues...
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) Damn it I want a dog brain.
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
The best of email forwards continues...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Lucky the dog
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.' Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.
The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him!
The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem.
She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.
The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him!
The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem.
She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
AARP Forum
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon..
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
Best of e-mail forwards continued......
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon..
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
Best of e-mail forwards continued......
Monday, August 3, 2009
Memo from God
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject:YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.
P.S. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject:YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.
P.S. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
- If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
- Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
- Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
- Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
- Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
- Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine..
- Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
- Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
The best of e-mail forwards continued.....
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Pastor's Cat
THE PASTOR'S CAT
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me no end.
Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor? Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air -out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it. He asked her,'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it. She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her. Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
The best of e-mail forwards continued.....
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me no end.
Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor? Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air -out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it. He asked her,'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it. She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her. Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
The best of e-mail forwards continued.....
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Mermaid or Whale?
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said: ¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
¨
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern: Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex?
Therefore they do not have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a drink with my friends.
With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am."
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
It said: ¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
¨
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern: Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex?
Therefore they do not have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a drink with my friends.
With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am."
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
What's Up
There is a two-letter word That perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
- It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
- At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
- Why do we speak UP and why are the Officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
- We call UP our friends.
- And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
- We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
- At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses..
- To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
- And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
- We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
- We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
- When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
- One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
- Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
--------------------------------------
Monday, July 27, 2009
English is a crazy language
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham In hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and Hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel At the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
You think English is easy?
You think English is easy???
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it...
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it...
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tank Top
Redneck Tank TopLook at it closely
Now I ask you . . . Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hmmmm . . .I can make me a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand, $6 for a three-pack is a good price!! But what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at its best. Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skid marks don't wash out no more. Just cut the crotch out and wear 'em. How very Green! Al Gore would be proud.
The best of email forwards continued..Get your own fashion tanktop!
Friday, July 24, 2009
American Flag
This is a beautiful photo of a giant American flag in Arizona The photo is authentic, UN-Touched and was taken on regular Kodak 35mm film. The person who took the picture couldn't believe the image created by the suns rays. Nice of them to share it with the world!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The best of email forwards continued....Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Feeling Old?
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
- They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
- Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
- The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
- They have always had an answering machine.
- They have always had cable
- .Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
- Popcorn has always been microwaved.
- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from
- They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
- McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
- They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth.It's the only planet with chocolate.
The best of email forward continued....
Monday, July 13, 2009
Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Fred (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..
Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home . . and left it there all night.
You gotta love Fred!
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
She emphatically told Fred (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..
Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home . . and left it there all night.
You gotta love Fred!
The best of e-mail forwards continued...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
A Well-Planned Retirement - From The London Times
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "
"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!
And no one even knows his name.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "
"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!
And no one even knows his name.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
B-Bop Quiz
B-Bop quiz 30 Great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!!!!
Welcome to "The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz." Take the quiz and see how you score as a true "Oldies Fan". Write down your answers and check them with the answers below.
1. When did "Little Suzie" finally wake up?
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. "Rock Around The Clock" was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle
c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth_____
a) Angel
b) Mother
c) Worm
4. "I found my thrill..." where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill
5. "Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream"
a) Mr. Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
a) Atlantic
b) RCA
c) Sun
7. He asked, "Why's everybody always pickin' on me? " Who was he?
a) Bad Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown
8. Bobby Darin's Mack The Knife", the one with the knife, was named:
a) MacHeath
b) MacCloud
c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with "A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom"?
a) Good Golly Miss Molly
b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term "Rock And Roll"?
a) Dick Clark
b) Wolfman Jack
c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher.
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's "Puppy Love" is written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are...
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. started a small record company called...
a) Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. "What TV show was he on? a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with "Book Of Love."
a) The Penguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called "Till I ____________you.
a) Loved you
b) Kissed you
c) Met you
20. Chuck Berry sang "Oh ________________ why can't you be true?"
a) Suzie Q
b) Peggy Sue
c) Maybelline
21. Wooly _______
a) Mammouth
b) Bully
c) Pully
22. "I'm like a one-eyed cat ...
a) can't go into town no more.
b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. "Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do ......
a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.
24. "They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ...
a) Mr. Earl.
b) Jackie Pearl.
c) Milton Berle.
25. "You're my Fanny and nobody else's ..."
a) girl.
b) butt.
c) love.
26. "I want you to play with my ...
a) heart.
b) dreams.
c) ding a ling.
27. "Be Bop A Lula ...
a) she's got the rabies.
b) she's my baby.
c) she loves me, maybe.
28. "Fine Love, Fine Kissing,
a) right here.
b) fifty cents.
c) just for you.
29. "He wore black denim trousers and ...
a) a pink carnation.
b) pink leotards.
c) motorcycle boots.
30. "I got a gal named ..."
a) Jenny Zamboni.
b) Gerri Mahoney
c) Boney Maroney.
Answers:
1.c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. b) Blackboard Jungle
3. a) Angel
4. c) Blueberry Hill
5. a) Mr. Sandman
6. c) Sun
7. b) Charlie Brown
8. a) Mac Heath
9. c) Tutti Fruitti
10. c) Alan Freed
11. a) Little Richard
12. c) Annette Funicello
13. b) Don and Phil
14. a) Jiles P.. Richardson
15. c) Motown
16. a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. b) Sandra Dee
18. b) The Monotones
19. b) Kissed
20. c) Maybelline
21. b) Bully
22. c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. a) Mr. Earl.
25. b) butt.
26. c) ding a ling.
27. b) she's my baby.
28. a) right here.
29. c) motorcycle boots
30. c) Boney Maroney.
Welcome to "The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz." Take the quiz and see how you score as a true "Oldies Fan". Write down your answers and check them with the answers below.
1. When did "Little Suzie" finally wake up?
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. "Rock Around The Clock" was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle
c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth_____
a) Angel
b) Mother
c) Worm
4. "I found my thrill..." where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill
5. "Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream"
a) Mr. Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
a) Atlantic
b) RCA
c) Sun
7. He asked, "Why's everybody always pickin' on me? " Who was he?
a) Bad Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown
8. Bobby Darin's Mack The Knife", the one with the knife, was named:
a) MacHeath
b) MacCloud
c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with "A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom"?
a) Good Golly Miss Molly
b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term "Rock And Roll"?
a) Dick Clark
b) Wolfman Jack
c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher.
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's "Puppy Love" is written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are...
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. started a small record company called...
a) Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. "What TV show was he on? a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with "Book Of Love."
a) The Penguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called "Till I ____________you.
a) Loved you
b) Kissed you
c) Met you
20. Chuck Berry sang "Oh ________________ why can't you be true?"
a) Suzie Q
b) Peggy Sue
c) Maybelline
21. Wooly _______
a) Mammouth
b) Bully
c) Pully
22. "I'm like a one-eyed cat ...
a) can't go into town no more.
b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. "Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do ......
a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.
24. "They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ...
a) Mr. Earl.
b) Jackie Pearl.
c) Milton Berle.
25. "You're my Fanny and nobody else's ..."
a) girl.
b) butt.
c) love.
26. "I want you to play with my ...
a) heart.
b) dreams.
c) ding a ling.
27. "Be Bop A Lula ...
a) she's got the rabies.
b) she's my baby.
c) she loves me, maybe.
28. "Fine Love, Fine Kissing,
a) right here.
b) fifty cents.
c) just for you.
29. "He wore black denim trousers and ...
a) a pink carnation.
b) pink leotards.
c) motorcycle boots.
30. "I got a gal named ..."
a) Jenny Zamboni.
b) Gerri Mahoney
c) Boney Maroney.
Answers:
1.c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. b) Blackboard Jungle
3. a) Angel
4. c) Blueberry Hill
5. a) Mr. Sandman
6. c) Sun
7. b) Charlie Brown
8. a) Mac Heath
9. c) Tutti Fruitti
10. c) Alan Freed
11. a) Little Richard
12. c) Annette Funicello
13. b) Don and Phil
14. a) Jiles P.. Richardson
15. c) Motown
16. a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. b) Sandra Dee
18. b) The Monotones
19. b) Kissed
20. c) Maybelline
21. b) Bully
22. c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. a) Mr. Earl.
25. b) butt.
26. c) ding a ling.
27. b) she's my baby.
28. a) right here.
29. c) motorcycle boots
30. c) Boney Maroney.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Prayer for our Troops
Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them as they protect us.
Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need.
Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world.
Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one.
GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them as they protect us.
Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need.
Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world.
Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one.
GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Driving
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.
The father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car.
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car.
Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut.
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
The father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car.
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car.
Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut.
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Monday, July 6, 2009
Lord Props Us Up
LORD PROP US UP...
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.'
After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time; it's withstood a lot of weather; it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn.
I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times.
Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't .
So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.''
Best of email forwards continued...brought to you by Easy Buy Malls
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.'
After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time; it's withstood a lot of weather; it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn.
I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times.
Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't .
So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.''
Best of email forwards continued...brought to you by Easy Buy Malls
Sunday, July 5, 2009
We Deserve It Dividend
I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It Dividend".
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It Dividend".
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
- Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
- Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
- Put away money for college - it'll be there.
- Save in a bank -
- Create money to loan to entrepreneurs or start your own dream business.
- Buy a new car - create jobs
- Invest in the market - capital drives growth.
- Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves.
- Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else!
- Go shopping, business instant boost
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back.
And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work." But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
Best of email forwards continued..
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Whenever God Closes One Door
Best of email forwards continued ...
'Whenever God closes One Door He always opens another, even though sometimes
It's Hell in the Hallway'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truckload when I'm gone.
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Life keeps you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But only God keeps you Going
'Whenever God closes One Door He always opens another, even though sometimes
It's Hell in the Hallway'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truckload when I'm gone.
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Life keeps you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But only God keeps you Going
Friday, July 3, 2009
Lemons and Sugar
Best of email forwards continued..
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it, but it's 100%true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to some one.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always remember.....
when life hands you Lemons, ask for Sugar and call me over!
Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it, but it's 100%true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to some one.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always remember.....
when life hands you Lemons, ask for Sugar and call me over!
Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Koala and the Lizard
Best of email forwards continued ....
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said
Duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said
Duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Quote for the Day
Best of email forwards continued ...
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Positive Side of Life
Best of email forwards continued..
- Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
- Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
- Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
- Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Don't cry because it's over; Smile because it happened
- We could learn a lot from crayons:
Some are sharp, some are pretty, Some are dull, some have weird names, And all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. - A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
Monday, June 29, 2009
How to stay Young
Best of email forwards continued...
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
1.Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. . Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Prayer
Best of email forwards continued..
You never know when God is going to bless you!!
Good things happen when you least expect them to !!!!!!!!
Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought
that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak...
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others.
I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank You that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes;
that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance,
or situation greater than God..
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it
in Jesus' name.
Amen!
You never know when God is going to bless you!!
Good things happen when you least expect them to !!!!!!!!
Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought
that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak...
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others.
I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank You that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes;
that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance,
or situation greater than God..
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it
in Jesus' name.
Amen!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
If you grew up in the Midwest
Best of email fowards continued..
If You Grew Up in the Midwest, then...
If You Grew Up in the Midwest, then...
- You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
- You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
- You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
- You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
- You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm, or Tractor Supply Co.
- You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
- You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter.
- You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.
- You know that 'combine' is a noun
- You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
- You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
- You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.
- Football schedules, hunting season, and harvest, are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
- A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
- At least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.
- You have driven your car on the lake.
- Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
- Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
- The local gas station sells live bait.
- At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
- You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
- You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Midwestern friends!!!!!
- The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Woman's Week at the Gym
Best of email fowards continued..
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
The Jerk was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that a-ho Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
The Jerk was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that a-ho Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My Resimay (Resume)
The best of email forwards continued..
My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern, I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting .
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,Bubba
Employer's response:... . Dear Bubba, It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.
Easy Buy Malls
My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern, I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting .
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,Bubba
Employer's response:... . Dear Bubba, It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.
Easy Buy Malls
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
5 Minute Chocolate Mug Cake
Best of email fowards continued...
5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.
Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using)
and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.EAT!
(this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous)
Why is it the most dangerous cake recipe in the world !
Because you can have another one in just 5 minutes!
Easy Buy Malls
5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.
Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using)
and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.EAT!
(this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous)
Why is it the most dangerous cake recipe in the world !
Because you can have another one in just 5 minutes!
Easy Buy Malls
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Magnolias
The best of email forwards...continued...
I spent the week before my daughter's June wedding running last-minute trips to the caterer, florist, tuxedo shop, and the church about forty miles away. As happy as I was that Patsy was marrying a good Christian young man, I felt laden with responsibilities as I watched my budget dwindle . So many details, so many bills, and so little time.
My son Jack was away at college, but he said he would be there to walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before. He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!
To save money, I gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees. Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church.
After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, we banked the podium area and choir loft with magnolias.. As we left just before midnight, I felt tired but satisfied this would be the best wedding any bride had ever had!
The music, the ceremony, the reception - and especially the flowers - would be remembered for years.
The big day arrived - the busiest day of my life - and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, her fiancé Tim walked with me to the sanctuary to do a final check. When we opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, I almost fainted; and then I saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black. Funeral black.
An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.
I panicked, knowing I didn't have time to drive back to our hometown, gather more flowers, and return in time for the wedding.
Tim turned to me. 'Edna, can you get more flowers? I'll throw away these dead ones and put fresh flowers in these arrangements.'
I mumbled, 'Sure,' as he be-bopped down the hall to put on his cuff links.
Alone in the large sanctuary, I looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. 'Lord,' I prayed, 'please help me. I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!'
I scurried out praying for four things: the blessing of white magnolias, courage to find them in an unfamiliar yard, safety from any dog that may bite my leg, and a nice person who would not get out a shotgun when I asked to cut his tree to shreds.
As I left the church, I saw magnolia trees in the distance. I approached a house...No dog in sight. I knocked on the door and an older man answered. So far so good . . .No shotgun. When I stated my plea the man beamed, 'I'd be happy to!'
He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to me. Minutes later, as I lifted the last armload into my car trunk, I said, 'Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today.'
'No, Ma'am,' he said. 'You don't understand what's happening here.'
'What?' I asked.
'You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday. On Tuesday I received friends at the funeral home, and on Wednesday . . . He paused. I saw tears welling up in his eyes. 'On Wednesday I buried her.' He! Looked away. 'On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday - yesterday - my children left.'
I nodded.
'This morning,' he continued, 'I was sitting in my den crying out loud. I miss her so much. For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she needed me. But now nobody needs me. This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man? Nobody!' I began to cry louder. 'Nobody needs me!' About that time, you knocked, and said, 'Sir, I need you.'
I stood with my mouth open.
He asked, 'Are you an angel? The way the light shone around your head into my dark living room...'
I assured him I was no angel ...
He smiled. 'Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?'
'No.'
'I decided I'm needed. My flowers are needed. Why, I might have a flower ministry! I could give them to everyone! Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers.
People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them. They're all over the backyard. I can give them to hospitals, churches - all sorts of places. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!'
I drove back to the church, filled with wonder.
On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked me to encourage someone who was hurting, I would have said, 'Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness' sake! There is no way I can minister to anyone today.'
But God found a way. Through dead flowers.
'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'
MAGNOLIAS...... ....By Edna Ellison
I spent the week before my daughter's June wedding running last-minute trips to the caterer, florist, tuxedo shop, and the church about forty miles away. As happy as I was that Patsy was marrying a good Christian young man, I felt laden with responsibilities as I watched my budget dwindle . So many details, so many bills, and so little time.
My son Jack was away at college, but he said he would be there to walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before. He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!
To save money, I gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees. Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church.
After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, we banked the podium area and choir loft with magnolias.. As we left just before midnight, I felt tired but satisfied this would be the best wedding any bride had ever had!
The music, the ceremony, the reception - and especially the flowers - would be remembered for years.
The big day arrived - the busiest day of my life - and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, her fiancé Tim walked with me to the sanctuary to do a final check. When we opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, I almost fainted; and then I saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black. Funeral black.
An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.
I panicked, knowing I didn't have time to drive back to our hometown, gather more flowers, and return in time for the wedding.
Tim turned to me. 'Edna, can you get more flowers? I'll throw away these dead ones and put fresh flowers in these arrangements.'
I mumbled, 'Sure,' as he be-bopped down the hall to put on his cuff links.
Alone in the large sanctuary, I looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. 'Lord,' I prayed, 'please help me. I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!'
I scurried out praying for four things: the blessing of white magnolias, courage to find them in an unfamiliar yard, safety from any dog that may bite my leg, and a nice person who would not get out a shotgun when I asked to cut his tree to shreds.
As I left the church, I saw magnolia trees in the distance. I approached a house...No dog in sight. I knocked on the door and an older man answered. So far so good . . .No shotgun. When I stated my plea the man beamed, 'I'd be happy to!'
He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to me. Minutes later, as I lifted the last armload into my car trunk, I said, 'Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today.'
'No, Ma'am,' he said. 'You don't understand what's happening here.'
'What?' I asked.
'You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday. On Tuesday I received friends at the funeral home, and on Wednesday . . . He paused. I saw tears welling up in his eyes. 'On Wednesday I buried her.' He! Looked away. 'On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday - yesterday - my children left.'
I nodded.
'This morning,' he continued, 'I was sitting in my den crying out loud. I miss her so much. For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she needed me. But now nobody needs me. This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man? Nobody!' I began to cry louder. 'Nobody needs me!' About that time, you knocked, and said, 'Sir, I need you.'
I stood with my mouth open.
He asked, 'Are you an angel? The way the light shone around your head into my dark living room...'
I assured him I was no angel ...
He smiled. 'Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?'
'No.'
'I decided I'm needed. My flowers are needed. Why, I might have a flower ministry! I could give them to everyone! Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers.
People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them. They're all over the backyard. I can give them to hospitals, churches - all sorts of places. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!'
I drove back to the church, filled with wonder.
On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked me to encourage someone who was hurting, I would have said, 'Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness' sake! There is no way I can minister to anyone today.'
But God found a way. Through dead flowers.
'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'
MAGNOLIAS...... ....By Edna Ellison
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