Tips on staying young

1. Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,
plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

10. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Senior Center

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Did I read that sign right?

DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?


On Restroom Door:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Thoughts

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into

12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mother.

16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

18. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.

23. Spend some time alone.

24. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

28. Trust in God but lock your car.

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

33. Be gentle with the earth.

34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

36. Mind your own business.

37. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

42. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

44. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

The best of email forwards continued...

Dating hints for men

• Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

• I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
• I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
• I used to come here all the time with my ex.
• Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
• I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
• It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

The best of email forwards continued....

10 Things Dad will never say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Best of e-mail forwards continued....

Dolphins

You Tube video : Dolpins blowing bubbles. They have talent!

Best of e-mail forwards continued....

How smart are you?

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately.
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?

Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!

To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You’re not having a good time at this! Are you?

Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Third Question: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000… Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10. What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer:Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one.

Bonus Question: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. He’s blind, not mute - so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE ‘SMART PEOPLE’ IN YOUR LIFE!

The interest

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

The car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’ Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever and evil . Don’t mess with them.

The best of email forwards continues..

Aunt Nancy

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. ”Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.

“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this story?”
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.”

The best of email forwards continues...

The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar! . He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

The best of e-mail forwards continued...

Small World

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - “Small world isn’t it!”

The best of e-mail forwards continued...

Water and Flower

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..
and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your ass.

The best of email forwards continued.....

God's Wings

God's Wings - A little something to put things in perspective...

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park , forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.

One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.

She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast ..because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.

'He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.'(Psalm 91:4)

Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it.

My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

The best of email forwards continued....

Old Lady & the pharmacist

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Kitty Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must've been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss” and before he could say “Shit,” the Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.

Well behaved women rarely mark history

Well behaved women rarely make history.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.'I'm going to the bar , Pretty Face,' he answered I'm going to have a beer.

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan.
All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the Bar... You know... They have frozen glasses...'He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of! The freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?

''You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened
The oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.'But my sweet honey... At the bar.. . You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...

''You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR?ASS DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR DAMNED BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOUR SORRY MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER,
GOT IT, JACKASS?'?

And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a Sweet story?

-MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

True Friendship

True Friendship -- None of that Sissy shit
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cut e little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.... When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2.. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.... When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4.. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
5.. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining..
6.. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7.. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8.. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
9.. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4

The best of e-mail forwards continued......

A Riddle for the Day

A riddle for the day:
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

"A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd tell you a dirty joke, did you