What's Up

There is a two-letter word That perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

• It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
• At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
• Why do we speak UP and why are the Officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
• We call UP our friends.
• And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
• We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
• At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses..
• To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
• And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
• We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
• We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
• When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
• One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
• Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
  --------------------------------------

English is a crazy language

English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham In hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and Hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel At the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You think English is easy?

You think English is easy???
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it...
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Tank Top

Redneck Tank Top
Look at it closely

Now I ask you . . . Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hmmmm . . .I can make me a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand, $6 for a three-pack is a good price!! But what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at its best. Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skid marks don't wash out no more. Just cut the crotch out and wear 'em. How very Green! Al Gore would be proud.

The best of email forwards continued..

Get your own fashion tanktop!

American Flag

This is a beautiful photo of a giant American flag in Arizona The photo is authentic, UN-Touched and was taken on regular Kodak 35mm film. The person who took the picture couldn't believe the image created by the suns rays. Nice of them to share it with the world!

The best of email forwards continued..

What do People do?

What do you people do all day in there?

The best of email forwards continued...

Things to do

Wasn't Me!

Wasn't me, I didn't steal this bamboo shoot, it was just sitting here! The best of email forwards continued...

On the count of three Lift!

The best of email forwards continued....

The tools you need to get the job done!

Find a Job!

The best of email forwards continued...

Everything you need to apologize to your cat!

Feeling Old?

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• They have always had cable
• .Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
• Popcorn has always been microwaved.
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from
• They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
• McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth.It's the only planet with chocolate.
The best of email forward continued....

Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Fred (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home . . and left it there all night.

You gotta love Fred!

The best of e-mail forwards continued...

A Well-Planned Retirement - From The London Times

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

B-Bop Quiz

B-Bop quiz 30 Great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!!!!

Welcome to "The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz." Take the quiz and see how you score as a true "Oldies Fan". Write down your answers and check them with the answers below.

1. When did "Little Suzie" finally wake up?
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. "Rock Around The Clock" was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle
c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth_____
a) Angel
b) Mother
c) Worm

4. "I found my thrill..." where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill

5. "Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream"
a) Mr. Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
a) Atlantic
b) RCA
c) Sun

7. He asked, "Why's everybody always pickin' on me? " Who was he?
a) Bad Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown

8. Bobby Darin's Mack The Knife", the one with the knife, was named:
a) MacHeath
b) MacCloud
c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with "A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom"?
a) Good Golly Miss Molly
b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term "Rock And Roll"?
a) Dick Clark
b) Wolfman Jack
c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher.
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's "Puppy Love" is written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are...
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. started a small record company called...
a) Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. "What TV show was he on? a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with "Book Of Love."
a) The Penguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called "Till I ____________you.
a) Loved you
b) Kissed you
c) Met you

20. Chuck Berry sang "Oh ________________ why can't you be true?"
a) Suzie Q
b) Peggy Sue
c) Maybelline

21. Wooly _______
a) Mammouth
b) Bully
c) Pully

22. "I'm like a one-eyed cat ...
a) can't go into town no more.
b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
c) peepin' in a seafood store.

23. "Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do ......
a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.

24. "They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ...
a) Mr. Earl.
b) Jackie Pearl.
c) Milton Berle.

25. "You're my Fanny and nobody else's ..."
a) girl.
b) butt.
c) love.

26. "I want you to play with my ...
a) heart.
b) dreams.
c) ding a ling.

27. "Be Bop A Lula ...
a) she's got the rabies.
b) she's my baby.
c) she loves me, maybe.

28. "Fine Love, Fine Kissing,
a) right here.
b) fifty cents.
c) just for you.

29. "He wore black denim trousers and ...
a) a pink carnation.
b) pink leotards.
c) motorcycle boots.

30. "I got a gal named ..."
a) Jenny Zamboni.
b) Gerri Mahoney
c) Boney Maroney.



Answers:
1.c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. b) Blackboard Jungle
3. a) Angel
4. c) Blueberry Hill
5. a) Mr. Sandman
6. c) Sun
7. b) Charlie Brown
8. a) Mac Heath
9. c) Tutti Fruitti
10. c) Alan Freed
11. a) Little Richard
12. c) Annette Funicello
13. b) Don and Phil
14. a) Jiles P.. Richardson
15. c) Motown
16. a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. b) Sandra Dee
18. b) The Monotones
19. b) Kissed
20. c) Maybelline
21. b) Bully
22. c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. a) Mr. Earl.
25. b) butt.
26. c) ding a ling.
27. b) she's my baby.
28. a) right here.
29. c) motorcycle boots
30. c) Boney Maroney.

Prayer for our Troops

Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them as they protect us.
Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need.
Amen.'

Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world.
Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one.

GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON

Driving

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

The father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car.

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car.

Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Lord Props Us Up

LORD PROP US UP...
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.'

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time; it's withstood a lot of weather; it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn.

I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times.

Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't .

So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.''

Best of email forwards continued...brought to you by Easy Buy Malls

We Deserve It Dividend

I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It Dividend".
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

• Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
• Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
• Put away money for college - it'll be there.
• Save in a bank -
• Create money to loan to entrepreneurs or start your own dream business.
• Buy a new car - create jobs
• Invest in the market - capital drives growth.
• Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves.
• Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else!
• Go shopping, business instant boost

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back.

And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work." But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

Best of email forwards continued..

Whenever God Closes One Door

Best of email forwards continued ...

'Whenever God closes One Door He always opens another, even though sometimes
It's Hell in the Hallway'

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truckload when I'm gone.

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Life keeps you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But only God keeps you Going

Lemons and Sugar

Best of email forwards continued..

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it, but it's 100%true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to some one.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember.....
when life hands you Lemons, ask for Sugar and call me over!

Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.

Koala and the Lizard

Best of email forwards continued ....

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said
Duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'

Quote for the Day

Best of email forwards continued ...

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.